I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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