did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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