I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
