i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
