Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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