I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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