Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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