just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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