I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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