I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
