the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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