I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
