he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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