The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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