I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
