I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
