Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
