I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is it penis luge time yet?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
