I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
