my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
