i would punch a child for taco bell
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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