No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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