She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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