Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
last night I used snow as a chaser
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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