Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
