I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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