So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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