I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I can text with my tongue
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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