I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
