D3 body, D1 cock
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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