Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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