My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
