I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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