I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
