i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
