On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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