I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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