i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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