How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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