Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
