"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
