apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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