She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
