hotel room ftw
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
