I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
