my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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