Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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