oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
