we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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