I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
