im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
