I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
