i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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