wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I met the friendliest cop last night
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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