the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
